Newport Manners & Etiquette: Breaking Holiday Traditions

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalProv Manners + Etiquette Expert

Holiday hosts and petty gripers are upon us questioning traditions of etiquette. How to break a sacred family tradition, how to stop a habit from becoming a tradition, as well as setting a dress code for your holiday bash. All questions this week to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners.com.

Breaking a family tradition

Not to be a Scrooge, but the size of our family has outgrown our budget and some of the joy has been taken out of the holidays. My wife and I are retired. Even though we still live in our family home and can accommodate our children, their partners, spouses and our grandchildren for Christmas dinner, giving everyone a wrapped gift has become an expensive and time consuming chore for both of us. The tradition is that we receive a list of names with a gift idea that we're expected to buy and wrap to put under our tree. How, after all these years, do we break with that tradition? T.G., Swansea, MA

As soon as possible, send out an email or Christmas card on which you express your distress concisely with humor. It could say something such as this: "Santa called to say he won't be stopping by our home any more the night before Christmas because he feels that our adult children are too old for toys. Since he will still be visiting all of you the night before Christmas, we hope you will happily open your presents at home before you come. We look forward to gobbling with you on Christmas, Much love, ......"

This way you still have time to decide if you want to give the children small presents for their parents to place under their own trees. ~Didi

Breaking someone else's tradition

For years we've had my voice coach and his wife for Christmas dinner, because we all enjoyed his company. He died two years ago after we had already invited them. Last Christmas while we were helping his widow tie up his affairs, she came for dinner. Today, she phoned to hint that she is free to come for Christmas dinner this year, but none of us want her to come. She arrives too early, stays much too long and the whole time she only talks about herself repeating the same stories. Would it be rude not to invite her? We all dread having to spend Christmas with her. C.H., Boston

There are two ways to handle this. You could lie and tell her you're going away for the Christmas holiday. However, you might still have to deal with her again next Christmas. Or you can compromise. Invite her with a clear timeframe, to arrive no earlier than just before you plan to sit down to dinner and tell her you will take her home directly after dinner. Just as you're saying goodbye, explain that you and your family will probably not be spending Christmas in Boston next year, so she will have to make a new plan for Christmas dinner.

You've set up a tradition here, and obviously one that she has come to rely on with anticipation. Now is the time to stop leading her on. If nobody enjoys her company and she is not related, you are not obligated to lead her on further. ~Didi

Dressember Party Dress Codes

We’re looking for a dress code for our holiday party invitation that isn’t intimidating-ly dressy, but is not too causal. We don't want guests going over the top, or even feeling they have to wear a tie, but we want them to dress up. What do you suggest? Holiday Party Hosts, Manhattan

The best hosts hope their guests will be feeling the holiday magic, but don’t want them trying too hard. Looking as though they’ve spent too much time thinking about what to wear and perfecting that look is obviously not cool.

The chic-est eye-catching guests are not overdone, in fact, they are at ease with their fashion statement. Guests want to dress in a special way - away from the drag of workhorse duds. At the same time they want to wear clothing they already have, but with a new festive element. Let guests know they can wear with confidence their same-old-same-old all black and add a festive pop of color with a wonderful faux necklace, dangling earrings or tie.

As the hosts it is your duty to encourage your guests to act and look festive for a night. Using the word “Festive” or the phrase “Festive Attire” in the bottom right hand corner of your invitation will work as a dress code for your holiday party. ~Didi

Complaining during the holidays

Is it rude to complain? I was criticized at Thanksgiving for complaining about things I knew could not change. And yet, I bond with people over areas of common complaint. For instance, my coworker and I complain about our boss. I didn't really like this particular coworker until we confided in each other about our extreme dislike of our boss. Who, by the way, is the owner's son. S.W., Providence

There is nothing more cathartic than complaining to another person who feels the same way you do whether it is about a social injustice or escalating airfares. Hating your boss may well bond you forever. It may be time to come clear with who you really are. If complaining makes you happier, make the most of it - you're really a griper. ~Didi

Do you have a dilemma about love, family and life in general for Didi? Visit her newly redesigned NewportManners.com where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or location. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.

Related Slideshow: Post-Holiday Activities

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Ice Skating

Celebrate the beauty of the winter season and head out to do some ice skating. Every Thursday until February, take a trip to the Worcester Common Oval from 12:00-2:00 pm for a $2 lunchtime skate. If the weather doesn’t cooperate, head to the indoor Buffone Skating Arena on Friday night for their Lights out DJ Skate from 8:10 pm.

Buffone: 284 Lake Avenue, Worcester, MA. (508) 798-3674.

Worcester Common Oval: 455 Main Street, Worcester, MA. (508) 929-0777.

Photo: Mass Office of Travel & Tourism/Flickr

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Winter Farmer's Market

Head to the Crompton Collective on Green Street for a winter-style farmer’s market. The market is spread out over 8,000 square feet and includes fresh produce, coffee, beautiful antiques, handmade items, and so much more. If you haven’t checked it out yet, definitely do!

138 Green Street, Worcester, MA. (508) 753-7303.

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Woodland Magic

Escape the sometimes dreary days of winter with a trip to Tower Hill Botanic Garden in Boylston. Up until January 5 (excluding New Year’s Eve & New Year’s Day) check out Holly Days: Woodland Magic at Tower Hill Botanic Garden. Even after the holidays have passed this great exhibit is still a must-see, featuring thousands of colorful lights and lots of woodland themed, nature inspired ornaments.

11 French Drive, Boylston, MA. (508) 869-6111.

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Sledding

What says winter more than a good old fashioned sledding session? Worcester and surrounding areas are blessed with several great hills to slide down—so much so that they have become family traditions. Try Worcester’s Green Hill Park for fun free sledding, or Ski Ward in Shrewsbury for a steeper tubing experience.

Green Hill: 50 Skyline Drive, Worcester, MA. (508) 799-1190.

Ski Ward: 1000 Main Street, Shrewsbury, MA. (508) 842-6346.

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Bowling

Escape the chill of winter and enjoy some candlepin bowling, which was invented in 1880 in Worcester. Try your hand at this true New England spin on a family classic at Colonial Bowling Center on Mill Street or Bayberry Bowling Center in Spencer.

Colonial Bowling: 248 Mill Street, Worcester, MA.

Bayberry Bowling: 326 Main Street, Spencer, MA. (508) 885-4876.

Photo: Lisa Clarke/Flickr

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Salisbury Mansion

Enjoy some wintertime peace today or tomorrow as you experience the Worcester treasure that is Salisbury Mansion by candlelight as part of their Home for the Holidays exhibit. From 4:30-6:30 pm, you and your family are invited to the mansion to see period rooms decked out in holiday cheer reminiscent of the 1860s-1960s for a chance to see the evolution of holiday celebrations at the mansion throughout the decades.

30 Elm Street, Worcester, MA. (508) 753-8278.

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Reminisce

Ring in the new year whilst not forgetting years gone by with the Worcester Historical Museum. Their current exhibit, Worcester in the 1960s, celebrates a decade of radical change in Worcester’s history. Learn about civil unrest, urban renewal, fashion, peace protests, and more that were so much a part of Worcester in the ‘60s.

30 Elm Street, Worcester, MA. (508) 753-8278.

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Indoor Games

Check out The Sprinkler Factory’s latest exhibit: Indoor Games! Every Saturday until January 28, head down for free hot chocolate and a look at some great local art. The theme, Indoor Games, pays homage to indoor creativity that erupts during the cold winter months when the outdoors is all but off-limits.

38 Harlow Street, Worcester, MA.

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Theatre

Get out of the house and enjoy a great theatrical performance at the Hanover Theatre. January 2-5, Sister Act will be making an appearance to be remembered. Use your WOO Card for a 10% discount!

2 Southbridge Street, Worcester, MA. (877) 571-SHOW.

Photo: Mass office of Travel & Tourism/flickr

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Winter Sports

Pack your snow shoes or cross country skis, grab a friend, and hop onto one of the sections of the 104-mile long Mass Central Rail Trail, with presence in 24 local communities. The Rail Trail is built atop an old railroad line that was destroyed by a hurricane in 1938, and today serves as an all season recreational hub.