Newport Manners & Etiquette: Mending Breaches

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Do you have to give a wedding present or send a condolence card? Dress codes for the booming fall wedding season. All questions to Didi Lorillard at NewportManners.com this week.

Teaching adult children manners

My adult children neglected to bring wedding gifts to a close friend of the family's wedding. Now the mother-of-the-groom is upset with me and them and came right out and told me she almost didn't invite them to the upcoming baby shower and she HOPES they will bring a baby gift. I feel her spiteful behavior is as bad as what my children did. Don't you agree? D.F., Providence

What are we going to do about these freeloading adult children who attend family celebrations empty handed? Don't they know any better? What kind of role model are we as parents when we have not taught the adage that there is no free lunch? You eat the cake, you send a gift from the wedding registry. The mother-of-the-groom was speaking her mind, but two wrongs really don't make a right. It is never too late to teach good manners, so phone your children and tell them, "Under no condition do you attend the baby shower without sending or bringing a gift from the parents' baby registry." Find out where the new parents are registered for baby presents and tell your adult children what you sent/or bought to bring to the shower, as a reminder that they cannot get away with their crass behavior. In spite of the groom's mother's rudeness, you can make this right. ~Didi

Repairing a friendship

One of my friends & I had a falling out about 4 months ago. We haven't talked since. I found out from another friend that her father passed away today. Do I go to visitation or do I just send a card? I do not know how she would feel about me going. We had a pretty bad fight. Sending just a card seems so impersonal. Name withheld, Providence

If you wish to make up with your friend, then go to the visitation. If you just want to send a condolence card, do that. You are right, just sending a card does sound so impersonal. If you really feel that way, then go to the visitation. Consider this an opportunity to mend the friendship. If it doesn't work, then you are off the hook because you'll know you did the best you could do. ~Didi

New Hampshire fall wedding

What do I wear to a 6:00pm fall wedding at a country club in New Hampshire? I am a 29-year-old female, 5'4" 104 lbs, blonde hair. I am from California and not sure what is proper attire for a wedding in New Hampshire. A.B., San Francisco

Fall can be rather chilly in New Hampshire, especially for an evening wedding, so think about what you would wear to a wedding in Northern California. To illustrate dresses trending for your age I use four websites: JMcLaughlin.com (preppy country club clothing), what2wear where.com (more fashionable country club styles), oliviapalermo.com (even more trendy), and renttherunway.com. Let's go to renttherunway.com where you can see what's in the stores in your area, as well as dresses you can rent or buy right now. Click on 'What's New' and you'll find the following dresses:

Clover Canyon: Lady Wilde Dress

Clover Canyon: George Bernard Shaw Sheath

Carmen Marc Valvo: Spin in Scuba Dres

Carmen Marc Valvo: Red Alert Dress

More importantly, if you are a friend of the bride, find out what the bridesmaids are wearing and wear a dress that is similar in style, but a different color. ~Didi

Cape Cod wedding

Hi! I am attending a cousin's wedding on Cape Cod in early September. It begins at 2 with cocktails on the beach followed by outdoor reception under tents on grass. I had planned on wearing a dress by Ted baker - Summer at Dusk, which is long and looks like watercolors in blue, plum, light grey. I think I am going to be cold. What could I wear in lieu of a wrap or should I just pick a different dress and if so, what? J.W., Brooklyn, NY

A two o'clock wedding is not dressy. When the invitation doesn't specify Black Tie or Formal Attire you can assume the dress code is Cocktail Attire. That means a knee-length dress with beautiful shoes and carry a small clutch bag. You won't necessary be cold at two, but when the sun goes down it will be chilly. I looked up the dress on the Ted Baker website and Summer at Dusk is a lovely line. If yours was one of the short dresses, I would definitely say you should wear it. How do you think you would feel wearing a long dress at one o'clock in the afternoon? You could certainly wear a long lightweight sweater with your maxi dress, which you could take off when the dancing begins. For instance on the JMcLaughlin.com website, look at the Halsey cardigan in navy, which would be perfect with your dress at a September wedding on the Cape. ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, "Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi Lorillard's earlier columns listed below.

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Newport Manners & Etiquette: Mending Breaches

Teaching adult children manners

Repairing a friendship

New Hampshire fall wedding

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