Newport Manners & Etiquette: Summer Hosting

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Didi Lorillard, GoLocalWorcester Manners + Etiquette Expert

Let's do it. Host a party. Turn up the heat let's cook out. How to host on the cheap all summer long. How to be a good house guest. There were many questions of etiquette about asking guests to pitch in with BYO and Potluck to Didi Lorillard this week at NewportManners.com.

Hosting BYO open bar

I am planning my husband's 50th birthday and will be providing food and beer. I know not everyone likes beer and it would be nice to have an open bar. Would it be appropriate to write the following on the invitation: "In lieu of a gift, please bring your favorite bottle of spirits to share!?" Sharon, East Greenwich

It would depend how many people attend the party and the quantity of hard liquor, wine and beer you expect to be serving based during the number of hours of the party. For a two hour party for twenty with cocktails and snacks you won't need as much liquor as you would if you were hosting fifty to a buffet dinner over the course of four hours. Have a talk with your local liquor store manager once you have a headcount. A good liquor store will take back any bottle that hasn't been opened or refrigerated (cold or ice damage paper labels). That way you could buy a couple of fifths or liters of, say, scotch, vodka, rum and gin to have on hand. A standard bottle of wine fills five ounces of wine in five glasses. Unopened, undamaged bottles could be returned the next day. If you encourage guests to bring their favorite bottles of spirits, you will have to provide mixers and recycled plastic glasses. Either way, whether it is BYO, or not, you're going to have get a handle on how much liquor you'll have as well as providing mixers, ice and glasses.

Do use your BYO request, but don't mention 'to share.' Have the gifts of hard liquor and wine placed on the bar. Then the invitation would read: "In lieu of a gift, please, bring a bottle of your favorite spirit." Remember, a 'bottle' of hard liquor could mean a pint, a fifth, or a liter. For over 30 quests, you may want to enlist the help of a bartender, whose service can paid through a well-placed tip jar. ~Didi

Potluck parties

How do we do a party on the cheap? We rented a beach house which costs so much rent, we can't afford to party hardy. Allison and Eddy, Mattapoisett, MA

Send out an email to friends you wish to invite telling them you're planning a potluck party and to let you know if they want an invitation by return email. Once you get a response from half of your invitees, send a more detailed invitation inviting them to a cookout. List the names of the people who have said they might attend with a blank after their name to forward back to you with what you will bring.

For instance:

Allison and Eddy: grilled local fish, corn on the cob, strawberry shortcake

Which one of the foods can you bring? Don't forget to bring whatever you drink

Wine

Beer

Cheese and crackers

Chip and dip

Hot dogs, buns + mustard

Hamburgers, buns + ketchup

Pasta Salad

Potato Salad

Coleslaw

Watermelon

Other

etc. ~Didi

Having to bring food to a party

Not to seem ungrateful, but we recently received an invitation to 'participate' in a birthday party for my husband's best friend from high school. We have wined and dined this couple for decades and never received anything more than a bottle of ordinary wine upon their arrival. We've never been invited to their home before, although they always spoke of 'having us over.' Well, this seems to be the 'having us over,' but we're supposed to bring a birthday present, liquor, and a pasta salad for twenty people, 'because they like mine so very much.' I want to say, "It's cook's day off that day," but the directive came in the form of a compliment. What would you do? H.W., Providence

It's tough when you're always doing the inviting (prepping, cooking, serving, cleaning up) with little appreciation. It makes a person a resentful when they're taken advantage of over and over again. You could snub the event instead of antying up, or you can say you won't be able to make anything that day, but you will bring a bottle of wine. Dress up an ordinary bottle of wine up in a chic bottle bag with a tag saying "Happy Birthday!" and leave it with the other presents. When your friends are open the bounty of gifts after guests have left and they see your present, they won't be angry. They'll have fond memories of all the fabulous dinners they had in your home. ~Didi

Houseguest from hell

Every summer we know to expect a bachelor house guest from the city who is very full of himself. He is the stingiest man I've ever met, but my husband puts up with him. He never brings a gift or offers to take us out, even if he's brought his sulky daughter or Madonna-like girlfriend. They're very particular about only drinking bottled water and only expensive black tea. Lipton won't do. Without being mean to the child or the girlfriend du jour, how can I get more respect from this manner less man? H.B., Newport

Alert your husband that when the bachelor calls to invite himself for the weekend he should ask him to pick you up some Yellow Gold Tea Buds. ~Didi

Do you have a Question for Didi? Visit her at NewportManners.com, where Didi researches etiquette and all matters of manners for her book, “Newport Etiquette." If your Question is used, we can withhold your name and/or address. Do explore Didi's earlier columns by typing Didi Lorillard in the upper right hand corner of this page. Or scroll down below.

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